Never Buy a Kia

So here's the deal: Kias are trash. Most everyone could guess this, I know it now, and have always known it. My advice for all of the car shoppers out there is that, if a company offers a fantastic warranty (50,000 mile bumper-to-bumper/ 100,000 mile power-train), there is a reason that they are offering it (like, because their vehicles are garbage). I knew that Kias were terrible cars all along, even when I was in the dealership purchasing one back in 2005. So why did I buy one? Because I was a poor student, couldn't afford anything that would last, and just needed a safe family vehicle to last until we could get something better. I thought that at least the warranty would guarantee us a working van until I could get something else. There, I explained my flawed logic. Happy now?

Well now here we are. I've graduated, I'm making money, so the Kia decides, "Thanks for buying me you sucker, now I'm gonna give up the ghost, because you can get something better." To which I reply, "Woah there buddy, not so fast. I've still got these student loans, and the house payment (student loans + Mortgage = Mortgage x 2), and we're still paying for you. So I'm not ready to let you die yet man, not to mention your garage brother, Mr. '99 Toyota Corolla should be the first to die." Mr. Corolla wakes up and says, "Wha...? No way man, *cough* I'm good...," as his door handle explodes into dust when I try to open it.

So the Kia sounds like a wounded, fat cow with heart failure, trying to climb an escalator going the wrong way. Oh, and the escalator is covered in grease, and the cow has arthritis in all four knees (basically, it's a McDonald's ranch cow, Mmm...). So I consult with the wife's brothers, who know a bit about cars (which is a lot more than I do). They both say, "sounds like the water pump." Then I take it to a mechanic I trust, Doctor Auto. Mike, the main man there, tells me that the water pump is out, and all of the belts need replaced. I really trust this guy, so I'm about to say, "let's do it," which would essentially be like signing a fat check to Doctor Auto, but Mike cuts in before I get that far and says, "I hate to lose the business, but what kind of warranty do you have on this van?" I told him it was of the 50,000 B to B variety, and he said, "you've got 200 more miles to go until that expires, so while I hate to lose your business, take it back to Kia, and see if the water pump is covered." I say, "Thanks, and really, you may have lost this fix, but you haven't lost my business." What a guy. Before taking our van back from him, I asked both him and Kia for quotes on the belts, since those aren't covered under warranty (I had already found out through Kia that the water pump was). Kia said $172 for all belts, but they would do it cheaper since they had to replace the water pump anyway. Doctor Auto said $150, but Kia should charge a lot less, since they need to remove the belts for the water pump anyway. With that, I took the van over to Kia today, trusting that all we'd talked about over the phone would go together magically today.

iPhone: RING!
Me: Hello?
Kia dude: Hello Joshua?
Me: Yessir?
Kia dude: So the sound is your belts, and it is gonna cost $250 to replace those, then we'll be able to hear if there's anything wrong with the water pump.
Me: No.
Kia dude: What?
Me: I know there's something wrong with the water pump, and that that is covered.
Kia dude: Well, it's the belts, and we need to fix those before we can determine if anything else is wrong. [Then he gets condescending, like he's gonna play the "what does this fool know about cars" card] Sir, what do you think is wrong with your water pump?
Me: Look, I took this in to have it checked out before I brought it to you, I KNOW that the water pump is bad, and I KNOW that you have to remove the belts to fix that anyway, so fix the water pump, and the belts and it is covered, except for the cost of the belts.
Kia dude: [he plays the "I'm just the middle man" card] Alright, here's what I'll do, I'm the technician, I'll have the foreman look at it, then I'll call you back and we can go from there.
Me: ok.

LATER:
iPhone: Ring! (which is actually the Old Spice whistle, because I'm a man, man)
Me: Hello?
Kia dude: Hello Joshua?
Me: Yes?
Kia dude: Alright, we took off the belt that was making the noise, and listened to the water pump, and there isn't anything wrong with the pump, but if it will make you feel better, we'll put in a new water pump.
Me: [and I decided not to argue, but I probably should have for principle's sake] Yes, put a new water pump in.
Kia dude: Ok, now this belt is shredded, so we'll put in a new belt, and that will be $130.
Me: ok.
Kia dude: Now you may also need...[blah, blah, warranty void in the future without blah, blah (I'm thinking, "I only have about 100 miles of warranty left on the car anyway dummy") blah, coolant flush, blah.
Me: No thanks, I'll get that done elsewhere. Just do the water pump and the belts.
Kia dude: Ok, we'll get started on that, then you can think about the timing belt and I'll call you back
*click*

Wait, what!? Think about the timing belt? Doesn't that belong to the category of all belts? Belts that must be removed anyway to fix my water pump?

That is where we sit now. I probably won't blog the call he makes to me next, but it will include the "quoted $172 for all belts, but cheaper if water pump done" phrase from my mouth, and also the phrase, "I KNOW that you are just trying to put off fixing things until the last 100 miles of warranty is up," and the classic, "LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!" no really, I'll work that one in, I promise (right after I hang up).

At what point does lying become an excusable part of business? How do people go home at night knowing that I'm in my home imagining them getting mangled by a polar bear because they lied to me?

Sorry about the rant my internet friends (or interneinds, for those of you who are more intimate readers of this blog). I don't want my blog to be the place I rant, but I am home alone with the kids today, and they really don't care to hear it. Surf well my interneinds, surf well.